To be perfectly honest, when I came into sex work, I had had some pretty rough life experiences involving people. Being raised by sociopaths and having 2 long term relationships with abusive men will do that to you. Sex work has given me insight into the workings of people that, in the past, I took personally and never really understood. I don’t just mean as a woman relating to men, but with people in general. I have learned things about people and how we relate to eachother in a sexual context that I knew on a theoretical level, but these concepts have finally sunk in. Here are 5 very useful things I have learnt about relationships from doing sex work…
Boundaries are important and negotiating them is a fine art
When you are a sex worker, you need to have firm boundaries. You have to know what you are willing to do and what you are not and not waver on this. There are a lot of factors in play though; you want to keep clients or develop trust with them, you want to make money, you want to remain safe. People will put pressure on you to change those boundaries if changing them will suit them better. But as with all relationships, sticking to your boundaries will help you in the long run, despite it being uncomfortable in the short term. For example, I will not respond to unsolicited messages without a cash tribute first. Some requesters do not respond to this well, but in the long term it saves me time talking to people who have no interest in spending money.
When people are hurt or embarassed, they will say stupid things
Following on from my point above, when you enforce your boundaries, some people don’t take this so well. Generally that is because they are hurt or embarassed by being rejected or being told no; they haven’t developed enough insight to accept responsibility for this so will lash out instead. With some people, it doesn’t matter how polite you are in saying no, they will be so hurt they will say stupid things like “you are ugly anyway.” Cool story, bro. But your response is illogical. In my opinion, it doesn’t matter who someone is, I don’t waste my time hand-holding people through their emotions. Unless they are paying me, that is…
People come and go… and come again; that is ok
Coming from a background of trauma and abuse, I am the first to admit that I have issues with abandonment. Sex work had taught me that people can come on very hot and heavy… but then be gone in the next 5 minutes. Maybe you will have radio silence for 5 months and then… BAM. They are back again, just as hot and heavy. This is not anything about me personally, but is about where people are at in their own lives. It helps me now to have no expectations about people. The fact is that people will say all kinds of things, and it doesn’t mean they are true or that they will happen. I trust actions, combined with patterns, above all else.
We all have preferences; you don’t know what they are till you try
Lots of people are locked into certain patterns of behaviour because they are comfortable and known. Thinking about other ways of being is foreign and a bit scary. But, it doesn’t mean those other ways of being might actually be your preference. In this instance, I am talking about domination and submission. Some people have never role played these positions so have never experienced them. Many people tell me, well, I am a dominant. Are you really? Or is opposite a bit scary? If you could explore this with someone you could trust, would you?
Societal norms about relationships are social constructions
You know how we think monogamy is a natural state for humans? And how we put so much emphasis on finding that one person to complete us? None of this natural. It is also how we have been conditioned since very young to view our intimate relationships. I believe it is used to maintain control of citizens as opposed to anything natural (more on this another time…). Sex work has shown me how relationships can be constructed differently, given open communication and opportunity to try different things. Love and sex are not the same things and are mutually exclusive. Society says otherwise which is extremely limiting for people who subscribe to this belief. It stops people being honest with themselves and eachother, which overall is unhealthy and unnecessary.
Sex work is many things, but I never expected it to change so many of my beliefs and assumptions. Intrigued to learn more? Then come over and say hi…